So You Want to be Famous and Get Girls: A Guide to the Beach

by Bruno

October 2, 2007

1. Okay. First things first. Get ridiculously attractive, work out constantly, and tan all day everyday.
Note: If you don’t (or can’t) do this, well… go pour yourself a drink, turn off your computer, and carry on doing whatever simpleton task you were doing before.

Alright, now that we got those unattractive losers off our bulging backs, let’s get down to it. You’re hot, you’re jacked, and goddammit, you’re flexible.

2. Don’t drive to the beach. Get some poor sap to tow you there. You’re going to be (if not already) famous, remember? You’re better than he is.

3. Yeah. Enjoy it. Never, ever, wear a shirt.

4. Once at the beach, start by impressing the babes by working out with a child. Sure, it’s just one. But everyone knows you could lift at least eight. Maybe next week.

5. Once all the babes know you’re there, take off for awhile. Walk on some grass with Woody Harrelson and smoke a joint. They’ll all be expecting you when you return, so why not be high?

6. You’re fucked. You should not have gotten high with Woody Harrelson. Haven’t you seen Natural Born Killers?

7. This is the point where things get blurry. Where did Woody go? Which island are you on? Was it you that starred in Castaway?

8. Yes. You did star in Castaway. Show them all why you got the Oscar.

9. Go into a rage. Somebody named ‘Tom Hanks’ doesn’t believe you. Cause a scene. Not a regular scene of course, one only a strong person could cause. This is your beach.

10. You’re Tarzan. Kidnap Jane.

11. Your rage is gone. You remember who you are. You remember you’re hot, jacked, and flexible. Jane also remembers. And it’s because of this that she doesn’t give a rat’s ass of what you’ve just done for the past three hours. You killed that child? Whatever. Expendable. You’re famous. She’s yours forever.

12. Clean up and leave with another babe. Again, famous.

As straight as an arrow,
Bruno.

With Love & Rum. Alcoholics: Anonymously.