Canada Day, Fuckin’ Eh!

Posted on June 27, 2008

It’s Canada Day Weekend, and starting today Canadians can be found puking and passing out all over the place. There’s also the good chance of many Canadian flags being tattooed on the upper arms of the faux hawk types across the nation! What better way to show your love for your country than by having a red leaf (or hockey team logo) permanently inked into your skin? Fuck yes.

Now then, back in the real world: I will leave you with a few songs here to tap your keg of Molson Canadian to. Or, with any luck — not Molson Canadian at all.

Saturday Night (Live), by Bay City Rollers
Everybody Wants To Rule The World, by Tears For Fears

Oh Canada,
Edward H.

P.S.

Katy Perry kissed a girl, liked it

Posted on June 26, 2008

Katy Perry (the new and improved Avril Lavigne: Now with lipstick and tits!), has a song detaling her escapade into the world of sucking face with cherry chapstick, and can be quoted as saying,

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Since Katy’s boyfriend was unavailable for comment, I feel as a man of honour that I can speak on his behalf. Unless he was off kissing boys (and liking it), I can tell you right now, sweets: he don’t mind it — but for posterity, and possibly a new angle for your next hit single: invite that guy along for the experiment. Carry the two… plus… one. What’s that? Oh just doing some math and science — something you wouldn’t understand.

MP3: I Kissed A Girl, by Katy Perry. Or View the video below:

Dirt Nasty, 1980, Cocaine, G-Strings, Cocaine

Posted on June 25, 2008

White rapper (and most definitely holder of other part time jobs) Dirt Nasty rollerskates his way through a costly pile of the booger sugar (Columbian cold and flu medicine, the Devil’s dandruff, a South American snowbank) to present you, The People, with his idea of what the 1980’s were like. A time when he was no doubt off playing with GI Joe figures, sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, and catching cooties — all making up for lost time now by instead playing with female figures, sniffing Mr. Escobar’s income, and catching STDs.

Thank God to the internet and quirky white rap music for popularizing cocaine, objectifying women, and … objectifying women!

MP3: 1980, by Dirt Nasty. Or view the video below:

With love and rum,
Edward H.

SuperSideBar is more expensive than pouring bottle directly into throat: won’t offend at dinner parties

Posted on June 25, 2008

So the clever folks over at Super Sidebar have found a way to let you dispense up to five different drinks without having to bother with that pesky task of actually picking up a bottle. How proletariatly… proletariat of you to have been physically pouring your own drink all this time. Finally, in 2008 for about $500 clams you can appropriately measure your mixed drinks. Whether there’s a setting for “empty whole bottle into this other bottle I’m going to carry around” or not, I can’t be sure… but I do know it pours the booze in 5 separate little flexible tubes — so the premium rum you pour yourself, and the Bacardi you feed to your dogs guests will never mix.

Technology strikes again!
Edward H.

Guy named Matt dances with crabs, not the kind you get on Granville

Posted on June 24, 2008

Matt Harding the dancing traveler spent 14 months of his life gallivanting (really?) across 42 countries. All this so he could perform a little jig that looks not unlike my very own Celebratory Dance! that I adhere to after downing half a bottle of rum and pouring the rest all over the closest stripper.

You go Chastity Matt!
Edward H.

Dan Mangan could be depressed, has MySpace account

Posted on June 23, 2008

Dan Mangan, a Vancouver local is playing on Wednesday at The Media Club if he doesn’t let a city bus or a ten tonne truck kill him first (as broached in his Smith’s cover of There Is A Light). In the unlikely event of his demise, I’ll go see his show and hope that my $10 will be enough to keep him on track, moving forward!

So Much For Everyone and Journal of a Narcoleptic, by Dan Mangan

If you’re thinking about, you know, it… don’t you dare go without me, Dan!

This place is dead anyway,
Edward H.

Islands, Cities, Alcohol

Posted on June 17, 2008

Sigur Rós continually insists on making music that sounds like you’re in an Alfonso Cuarón movie — and although we may not all be saving the planet one camera angle at a time on a $76,000,000 budget, we sure can fucking pretend. So these guys have got a new album (coming?) out. It’s so hard to tell these days when or what an actual release date is, since you can steal pretty much any album a complete year before the artist even realizes they’re going to record it. Now then, moving forward: Alongside my pile of bootleged movies, kennel of stolen puppies, and garage full of jacked cars, I listened to this Sigur Rós track, Inní mér syngur vitleysingur, and thought “Shit yeah. My life means something!”

So I went and grabbed a bottle of bourbon, cranked the song up, watched the sun set, and decided tomorrow I was going to wake up and make a difference — then the drink kicked in, and now I’m just writing about it. Tomorrow? I figure I’ll likely just wake up hungover wondering where my $300 really went.

Inní mér syngur vitleysingur, by Sigur Rós

Hookers have feelings too,
Edward H.

It’s An Island

Posted on June 8, 2008

So here I am, sitting on a westbound ferryboat crossing the bay to another island just across the way. In about ten minutes I’ll have finished this bottle of rum I’ve been working on during the ride across. When this thing hits berth, I’ll be meeting up with a dear friend to prepare and cook delicious fixings of the barbecue variety, overlooking the northeast Pacific and discuss a healthy itinerary littered (liquored?) with even more rum, loud music, potentially upset neighbouring households, and with any luck pass out on a bar stool — as so often happens.

It’s Saturday afternoon, almost evening, and at this point — what’s the difference anyway? Weekend? Weekday? Evening, morning, midday? I should select a song to place here that will make your shoes go shoo-shoo-shoo, your hands to go yes-yes-yes, and your throat to go chug-chug-chug. All resulting in a likely pound-pound-pound in your head tomorrow morning, but not before a thump-thump-thump on your headboard tonight.

Gimme More & Bring ‘Em Out (Remix) by, T.I. and Britney.

Good luck out there, tiger!
Edward H.

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With Love & Rum. Alcoholics: Anonymously.