The Wet Secrets have music, secrets that are likely wet

Posted on July 10, 2008

Not to be confused with European porn series Victoria’s Wet Secrets (available on DVD in PAL format), The Wet Secrets are a band (who, by the way they dress, are intent on making sure you know this) from… Edmonton. That’s the city in Alberta that isn’t Calgary. Still not coming to you? It’s in Canada, somewhere between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, in what I like to call “fly-over country”. I got this quote / brief bio on them from some website:

It all started with a racy (staged) photograph snapped in dim light back in 2005, under the dankest of circumstances.  Half-hearted promises to form a band were soon forgotten due to epic alcohol consumption, but would rear back like an angry stallion months later when it became apparent that The Wet Secrets might not be a bad idea after all.  Formed out of contractual obligation (contracted while drunk most likely) The Secrets wrote and recorded the haphazardly magical ‘Whale of a Cow’ album in the seven days preceding the first gig.  Tubas, paint cans and trombones poke into the mix of campy, homo-centric fuzz rock.

Epic alcohol consumption? Homo-centric fuzz rock? Who writes that shit, and why aren’t they writing on here instead of me? I could be down at the pub right now guzzling back some golden throat charmers waiting in happy-hour lines, while avoiding late-night lines, doing lines, using lines, all whilst revealing my own Wet Secrets in a drunken stupor instead of telling you about some other maple-fried bacon band.

Hot Roller, by The Wet Secrets

Victoria’s Wet Secrets (NSFW), by Private©

Thursday = $3.00 beer at The Whip,
Edward H.

DeVotchKa: What you get when you mix Romani, Greek, Slavic, Bolero, Mariachi style music with a whole lotta drugs

Posted on July 7, 2008

DeVotchKa gets their name from some foreign word meaning “young girl”. Which, considering their European front, probably really means not technically legal, but does anyone really check that folder anyway?

Moving forward. Though their musical style makes them sound like a bunch of foreigners, you’ll notice they’re singing in english. That’s because these four fakers are really just from Denver, Colorado. Posing as traveling burlesque’ish gypsies from over seas, they actually might just be my ex-girlfriend in human form. I’m guessing their names are, Talks Real Loud Gypsy, Spirituality Gypsy, Total Alcoholic Gypsy, and I’m On Lotsa Drugs Gypsy. Gypsies, transforrrrm! Oh great, now they’re going to start chatting my ear off about vintage stores, yoga and dive bars.

Clockwise Witness, The, by DeVotchKa

Downward dog,
Edward H.

80’s for the 00’s, The Mary Onettes

Posted on July 5, 2008

So a group of foreigners decided to get together in 2000 and form a band that sounds like the British accented, murmuring, keyboard-board playing, facts of life singing, 80’s bands of yesteryear (all going on while they were just barely old enough to watch the actual Facts of Life). Now what you’ve got is a Swedish throwback to the glory days of women with too much hairspray, plastic hoop earrings, red lipstick, cocaine residue on their noses, and sex in back rooms surrounded by neon lights. Actually, this all sounds suspiciously familiar — maybe I’m not thinking about the 80’s at all, but instead: That Hooker From This Afternoon. Well anyhow, perhaps they’re just more like New Order, Joy Division, Echo & The Bunnymen. Good thing I don’t write for any publication that actually cares what you say or how you sound when trying to be in-the-know on any given subject. Go boobies!

Still, by The Mary Onettes

I don’t know anything about the 80’s either, I was too busy learning to pee,
Edward H.

Dirt Nasty, 1980, Cocaine, G-Strings, Cocaine

Posted on June 25, 2008

White rapper (and most definitely holder of other part time jobs) Dirt Nasty rollerskates his way through a costly pile of the booger sugar (Columbian cold and flu medicine, the Devil’s dandruff, a South American snowbank) to present you, The People, with his idea of what the 1980’s were like. A time when he was no doubt off playing with GI Joe figures, sniffing Mr. Sketch markers, and catching cooties — all making up for lost time now by instead playing with female figures, sniffing Mr. Escobar’s income, and catching STDs.

Thank God to the internet and quirky white rap music for popularizing cocaine, objectifying women, and … objectifying women!

MP3: 1980, by Dirt Nasty. Or view the video below:

With love and rum,
Edward H.

Guy named Matt dances with crabs, not the kind you get on Granville

Posted on June 24, 2008

Matt Harding the dancing traveler spent 14 months of his life gallivanting (really?) across 42 countries. All this so he could perform a little jig that looks not unlike my very own Celebratory Dance! that I adhere to after downing half a bottle of rum and pouring the rest all over the closest stripper.

You go Chastity Matt!
Edward H.

Let’s Burn This Mother Down!

Posted on June 7, 2008

Weekend. Island. Party. Booze. Drunk. Music. Pants.

Oh, and here’s a video of Yeasayer singing 2080 in some dingy European apartment. How totally bohemian! I stole it from these guys over here.

Canadian Radio, Radio Canadien

Posted on November 7, 2007

I don’t know much about reviewing music. Mostly because it’s just a bunch of sad dudes crying into a microphone while high on drugs in order to sleep with girls — where as I only cry into a bottle of booze while high on drugs in order to sleep with girls. See. Nothing in common. My ability to review music aside, thanks to the year 2007 and CBC Radio, I am able to link it on the internet… which is nice. CBC has this online radio station with a big list of shows and in-studio sessions that have come through Canada. There are also podcasts you can subscribe to, or just stream from the site. If you’re really savvy, you can even register for a free account (yeah, it takes a few seconds — so you might want to just forget about it), and create your own playlists from any of the songs on the site.

CBC Radio 3

If you go check out the CBC Radio 3 site, and it’s not what you were looking for from Love & Rum on a Wednesday afternoon, don’t worry. I took out an insurance policy. Click on the image above to receive a big desktop sized image of Marissa Tomei. Nice.

11:24am, and not a sip,
Edward H.

The Frail. They’re a Band

Posted on October 11, 2007

I just got this album the other day. It’s an EP from The Frail. Four songs total, so no matter what it’s not going to waste much of your time. I think it’s pretty good. I’m not dying to tell you about it, but what else am I going to write about all totally sober in the middle of a weekday? The only other thing that comes to mind is Burger King, but that’s because as soon as I finish writing this, I’m going to go get some…The Frail - Count On This

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With Love & Rum. Alcoholics: Anonymously.