Adios Ecuador, Bienvendidos Colombia

Posted on November 21, 2008

Left Ecuador a week ago. In the coffee belt of Colombia now, heading north through Medellin until we hit Cartagena and Santa Marta on the Caribbean Coast. To bore you for a moment with a little bit of scientific fact: Colombian women are gorgeous. They are consistently brunette. Their skin varies from very dark all the way to bronzed and very very desirable. In pursuit of more knowledge, not limited to but including carnal (of a lady this time), my traveling partner and I will be heading out on the town tonight to investigate this further and will report back with details.

Broadripple is Burning, by Margot & The Nuclear So & So’s

In the name of science,
Edward H.

With Love & Rum

Posted on September 30, 2007

Do you plan to one day be a famous author like me? Sure you do.

No. 1 - Any reasonable volume of writing is best served with a side of alcohol; where in some cases that side knocks you out of the running before anything worthwhile is ever put to paper. This is a risk any self-respecting writer must take if he (maybe even she?) plans on following through with his (again, maybe even her?) plans of grandeur.

No. 2 - Any self-respecting writer should know better than to still have any amount of self-respect left after all these years. That’s just common sense.

No. 3 - Your writing should never take place between the finding or falling in/out of love. It clouds judgement, harasses story lines, and thumbs its nose at quality. And what’s worse: increases levels of self-respect, and we have already established that as a problem area.

No. 4 - Have a good editor, writer’s assistant, lawyer. You’re crap. Your writing has no heart, and your grammar is atrocious. How dare you think there is room for the likes of you in such an over-populated world of writers. Sure everyone thinks you are a writer, but good thing your editor, assistant, and lawyer actually are. Your editor will make it look as though you really did get all those perfect marks in english you were claiming on your resumé. Your assistant will write your book. Your lawyer will make sure that it is you who gets the credit and payment, not that dry louse of an assistant. You never liked him anyway.

No. 5 - Once published. Once it has happened. Which, of course, is immediately following the publishing of your first novel. Call it quits. That’s right, stop writing. Stop telling people you’re a writer. That’s it, you did it. Everyone knows that as a writer you will only ever publish one good book, if even that. Now throw in the towel. Your book will sit on shelves, collecting dust, and with any luck some residuals. Let that investment sit for a good 30 to 40 years when it will finally be time to get paid with your second, more hyped, more successful, but far far worse novel.

No. 6 - When your second novel tanks in sales, it is recommended that you hit the bottle, and hit it hard. While you’re at it, hole up in some brothel on the east end of town until you finally man up enough to pull the trigger. This self-sacrificing move will irrefutably ensure the future of your estate, and family’s well being. This is because suicidal authors sell books 10:1 over any other author on the planet. And that’s a fact.

Why did you ever want to be a writer?

Good luck out there, kids.
Edward H.

With Love & Rum. Alcoholics: Anonymously.