Here to make friends? Not me!

Posted on July 9, 2008

I don’t know about you people out there on the internets, but I didn’t come here to make friends. And what do you know — I’m in luck! I think I’ve just found a group of people that I would really like to not make friends with:

Not your friend,
Edward H.

SuperSideBar is more expensive than pouring bottle directly into throat: won’t offend at dinner parties

Posted on June 25, 2008

So the clever folks over at Super Sidebar have found a way to let you dispense up to five different drinks without having to bother with that pesky task of actually picking up a bottle. How proletariatly… proletariat of you to have been physically pouring your own drink all this time. Finally, in 2008 for about $500 clams you can appropriately measure your mixed drinks. Whether there’s a setting for “empty whole bottle into this other bottle I’m going to carry around” or not, I can’t be sure… but I do know it pours the booze in 5 separate little flexible tubes — so the premium rum you pour yourself, and the Bacardi you feed to your dogs guests will never mix.

Technology strikes again!
Edward H.

Slanket Is Soft, Doesn’t Get You Laid

Posted on October 31, 2007

So there’s this mutation of a blanket that someone has created, calling it a Slanket. I found it on some other blog that posts similar useless items, and here’s what they had to say

The Slanket ($45) is cool (or warm) enough to be billed as “the best blanket ever.” Made from super-soft polyester microfiber and sporting two oversized sleeves, the Slanket is certainly a wonder.

While I may not agree that this thing is certainly a wonder, it certainly has me wondering. Not only is the Slanket hideously unattractive, I can’t see how you’d get a gorgeous babe in there with you, let alone two of them. Then it dawned on me that most peoples day-to-day lives aren’t like mine at all, filled with random afternoon threesomes, gorgeous babes, pounds of Columbia’s finest and liver damaging amounts of booze. So I’d like to take another angle if you will. How are you supposed to even lay yourself in one of these things? Especially since if you own one, you’re probably still living with your mother. Hiding your hands underneath this thing while watching reruns of Golden Girls looks harder than fitting in one of those gorgeous babes I was talking about. I’ve been sobering up a bit for the last week. That’s my excuse for this post being garbage. After re-reading this I have only one thing to say: I’m so sorry booze, I’ll never turn my back on you again.

Apologies to the reader,
Edward H.

With Love & Rum. Alcoholics: Anonymously.